“Im home, hon”

     “Harry, somebody called from the Solid Waste Authority; a Mr. Gordon. He wants you to call him. Is there something going on that I should know about?” 

 

     “Did he say anything else?”

 

     “He just said ‘it would be to your advantage if you called him back.  And, oh yes, he wanted to know how old you were.”

 

     “What did you tell him?”

 

     “I told him you would call him back.”

 

     “No, no, no.  I mean about my age.  What did you tell him about my age?”

 

     “I know it’s a touchy subject with you, so I just let him know that you‘ve been around the block a few times.”

 

     “Good.  You handled that well.  I’ve been expecting that call; it’s all part of what I have been telling you for years.  ‘If you want something, you’ve got to speak up.’  So, that’s what I did.  I just spoke up and now you will see the results.  Did he leave a number?”

 

     “Yeah, its 1 800 639 2467, but I’m not sure I like the way this is going.  What’ve you got to do with the Solid Waste Authority?”

 

     “Just listen in, Lois, and watch the master at work.”  Dials phone number.      “This is Mr. Gordon.”    

  “Ah, Mr. Gordon; this is Harry ———–.  I am returning your call.  I assume you got my message.  I feel quite strongly about this and hope we can come to an agreement.”     “Oh, we’ll reach an agreement alright, but let’s discuss your message.  I want to make sure that there is no misunderstanding.  May I call you Harry?”   

   “Sure.  ‘Harry’ is fine.”     

“If the message I received is correct, Harry, you’ve made a survey of your neighbors’ recycle bins and you feel that the nature of the materials you put at curb-side is superior in every way and adding your quality mix to the run of the mill recycled glass will increase the coefficient of strength  to any new product.  You would also like to receive some sort of recompense for providing quality glass.  Is that correct?”   

   “That’s it in a nut-shell.  No cheap, recycled glass in my Blue bin.  Check it out.  There’s the blue tinted glass of Bombay Sapphire, the solid clear glass used for Maccallan’s 15 year old, and if you know your wine, Mr. Gordon, this week’s pick-up will include 3 empty bottles that contained Chateau Lagrange, St. Julien, 2005 that sells for $80.00 a pop.  I think you’ll agree with me, the vintner isn’t going to use a cheap recycled glass for such a costly libation.” 

     “Harry, what’s going on?  What are you talking about?  What have you got to do with the garbage people?”   

   Harry places the mouth-piece of the phone against his chest.” Lois, please, I can’t talk to Mr. Gordon and you at the same time.  I’ll fill you in after we finish our business.  This guy is putty in my hands.      “I’m sorry for the interruption.  You were saying?”     

  “Harry, If we paid you, we would have to pay everybody who claims to have ‘quality glass in their bins.’”       

 “You know, Mr. Gordon, I’ve been around the block a few times and I’ve done my time in

Washington.  Gov. Blagojevich just overplayed his hand.  But it’s the same everywhere, whether in Chicago,  Palm Beach County or  New York City,  well positioned folk  all have the same idea.  It’s the right of the king, so to speak:   If you have power or if you have something of value to sell, now’s the time to do it.  I’m not a politician, so my opportunities are limited, but my recyclables are top of the line.  I’m just trying to cut myself a little piece of the pie.      “I remember when Trent Lott said, and I’m quoting now, ‘If you don’t have ethics and morals before you come to

Washington, you ain’t going to grow them in

Washington.’  His statement made a strong impression on me and I believe he meant ‘grab while the grabbing is good.’”       “Harry, you sound like a nice guy and I’m going to do you a favor but I got to tell you, you went way out on a limb when you called my assistant a ‘pip-squeak’, a ‘pinhead’ and an ‘officious bureaucrat.’    Unless you apologize, the Authority is going to refuse to pick up your garbage. ”      “Whoa, whoa, whoa.  That would be bad, very bad.  Tell me what to do; I’ll do anything you say.”      “For beginners, come to my office tomorrow and apologize to my assistant. Do that and I think I’ll be able to straighten everything out.  Come to my office before 10:00 a.m.”  Hangs up phone.      “Harry, you’re all perspired; what’s going on?”       “This shouldn’t surprise you, but it’s getting to be impossible to talk to a bureaucrat over the phone these days.  I have an appointment with Mr. Gordon tomorrow at 10:00 a.m.”      “Are we in some kind of trouble, Harry?”      “No, of course not.  I just want to present an idea, which, if they adopt, will protect newspapers from being soaked by rain water.  This will keep the weight down and make the job easier for the garbage men.”     

“That’s not what I heard, Harry.    I heard you talk about ‘recycled glass, Gov. of

Illinois, morality dropping by the wayside and a piece of pie.’ “     

“I just told you that I am going down to the Solid Waste Authority to discuss an idea with them.  Do you believe me or something you overheard on the phone?” 

     “Harry, it was you I overheard on the phone.”     

“True, but that’s what is known as hearsay, told to a third party.   I am telling you directly that we are not in trouble; that I will discuss my idea with them.”    

  “You aren’t lying to me, are you Harry?”      “Have I ever lied to you?”    

  “I’m not so sure.  Do you remember the office Christmas party, 40 years ago?  You came home with a pink smudge on your shirt collar and you denied it was lipstick, saying the smudge was circumstantial and that you would deny, in any court of law, that it was lipstick.  I was pretty skeptical for a while.”     

“Do you expect me to remember what happened 40 years ago?  Besides, I did bring you a pair of gold ear-rings.”     

 “That’s what I like about you, Harry.  You’re always thinking; always thinking.”     

 “Thank you dear.”     

“You’re not off the hook, Harry.  I don’t want to know what you meant by ‘that would be bad, very bad’ and that you would do anything Mr. Gordon suggested, but whatever the problem is, I want you to straighten it out  tomorrow.  In fact, don’t come home until you do and when you do come home, I want you to understand that gold earrings no longer carry any weight.  Diamond studs  might get you off the hook.  Do you understand what I am saying?”      

“Yeah, I understand. It’s obviously, Lois, that you have finally learned how to apply that noble dictum: ‘if you don’t ask you don’t get.’  There is a corollary to this dictum, but this is not the time to discuss it.  Would you believe, Lois,  I’ve had my eyes on a pair of diamond stud earrings that I was going to present you on your birthday; amazing how fine minds think alike.”     

 “Yes, I know, Harry.  Just straighten out this mess tomorrow or you are in deep trouble.”